Christian for my own good

Disclaimer: This is a post in jest listing the things that I, as a Christian am accustomed to. It is neither to promote a particular faith nor to condemn another. Now since we are clear I shall now kiss my bride :).

Non-veg on certain days, veg on the other

My non-Christians friends, Hindu’s in particular, follow a regimen where they are vegetarians on most days of the week and non-vegetarians on the unlucky few that are left. While I understand that it’s done in honour of a particular God among the 33 crore Gods, who have among themselves amicably settled for a day of the week each, it’s a challenge to plan a meal together as not only the restaurant and time matter, the day of the week does too. It also means that weekend plans involving chicken do not work. Wednesday, whether one likes it or not, is the best day to be a carnivore. 

Even during festivals the logic is different. For Christians, festivals are a time to celebrate and feast on the fattened calf. But the common trend in non-Christian families is the opposite. While we indulge in the best of meat and seafood, my non-Christian friends are strictly vegans.

One mistake almost every Christian makes while saying the Angelus

19th century painting of Our Lady. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's very common for a Christian to say the Angelus - the Christian devotional prayer in memory of the incarnation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, at 7 PM everyday. But there's something wrong we do here. Nothing wrong with praying or the prayer. Neither how we say it. The problem is what we say. That too we go wrong in the very first response. 

Below is what should be said:

V. The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary. 

R. And she conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit.

And here's what we often land up saying:

V. The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary. 

R. And she WAS conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Mary was not conceived, but she conceived. Mary was born of natural causes, but the fact that she was able to bear a child still being a virgin makes it 'she conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit.'

I hope we realize the mistake we make on a daily basis and correct ourselves. I have often corrected people on this and been a witness to their facepalm moment. The irony with the world is that we hardly pay attention to what we say, but are critical of what others say.

The Miser

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you were not crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I am a good Christian, I can not lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

The Polish Divorce

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
Polish Remover!!!

I want a Girl-friend…

I always wished (I still wish….so what if the ban is lifted?) that I had a girl-friend. People may be wondering as to what’s with the hyphen? Well the hyphen is what makes all the difference. In computer programming lingo an explicit use of the hyphen is done so as to make the reader not get the wrong impression (wasn’t that the heading of an article I wrote some days back???.....bloody hell it’s just one article back…am I that irregular???). The hyphenated girlfriend means that a girl who’s your friend. (I guess everyone knows what the non-hyphenated girlfriend means).

There are many reasons for me to have this (strange for some) desire. Firstly it’s probably the things or rather qualities females have and bring along with them. The warmth, the care, the beauty, the support, the fun is just some of the many many things. We males seriously having got intertwined in our fast paced lives have forgotten to live. It’s ultimately the females that teach us how to live. I always remember my father always saying these words whenever my mother offers him a cup of tea after a hard day’s work, “There's nothing sweeter than a cup of tea offered to you by your wife or mother after a hard days work” (This line is actually my grand-fathers….my father probably uses it to just maska marofy my mother).

I remember having this chat with one of my closest friends. It was once that we were sipping over water-melon juice (that’s because I was paying, if it was from his side it would have been a cup of tea worth Rs.3/-). Amongst my frustration I said that I seriously wished that I had a girlfriend. Hearing this he asked me a simple question, “Do you want a girlfriend or a friend who’s a girl”. Well now to be honest, that question made me think (well all questions do….but still….). I answered that I want a friend who’s a girl. Well actually there are many reasons due to which I hold this view. Firstly, (now I don’t know how to put this) I am a very relationship inclined person. I would love to be in a relationship because probably along with that comes a sense of commitment. I tell you that when two people are committed to each other one doesn’t have to worry about anything on this planet. He knows he has someone to care for him, someone to lookout for him, someone to go somewhere with, someone just to share a joke with, moreover someone just to say things to without wanting an answer. That’s probably what happens when you want someone so desperately that you kind of become a hunter while all the single females on this planet become eligible prey’s (so next time you see decent guys eyeing girls…you know what they're going through). Now given this description about me and my feelings….what would you say if I told you that I’m brought up in a family in which getting married has certain criteria’s to be met?
1. The girl has to be a Christian (preferably Catholic)
2. She should be preferably Goan.

I remember the day (it was just the very next day after I had answered my Std.XII exams. That too the first thing in the morning…just imagine….my day had indeed started off with a bang). The moment my father cited the first condition my brain started doing the math and I swear the result was not appealing. Out of the 100% of India’s population that I could aim for, my chances had diminished to a mere 1.8% (Nelton, teri to lag gayi). On the 2nd condition my chances had dropped drastically to a mere 0.2% (thanks to the Goan diaspora and to my dad for not thinking about that clause otherwise the number would be infinitely small). So that's why I have left that job of finding a girlfriend to my parents and I’m instead searching for a girl-friend.

Secondly, I hate to see my friends taking their so-called girl-friends pillion while I have no one to do so (sob sob).

Well so now coming back to my chat, I said a girl-friend would be just right. During our chat we actually landed bringing up so many points as to why having a girl-friend is so important and more than that amazing. Other than the qualities I mentioned earlier, just by simply having a girl-friend you automatically begin understanding the opposite sex’s perspective. You see girls just don’t (and probably can’t) think as we boys do. Our make is absolutely different. (we are like Ferrari, they’re just some local brand…hehehe). We think, we analyze, we make decisions using our brain. With girls it’s the heart that does all this work. (That’s the reason that my sister always indirectly tortures me by switching over to programs like Balka Vadhu, Ladies Special and Uttaran while I am watching Numbers, 24 and Hustle). We boys just never see that which in certain cases is very important. (Probably like my father who always yelled at me given my preparation for the exam but my mother always encouraged me and told me to give my best).

Having girls in your friend circle always helps in the long run. The reason being you’ll never feel out of place in their company. You’ll automatically act in a very decent and respectable manner. (We guys hurl abuses at one another in good times as well as bad. Most of the times abuses are used instead of hi, hello and punctuation marks). Even more so, on seeing a good looking female in public you won’t get hyper and start behaving like a puppy that’s panting and desperate for something to drink.

Lastly, it’s a great feeling to take a pretty girl pillion right in front of your friends (you can actually smell something burning)

So keeping all these things in mind, I have come to the conclusion that I really want a girl-friend. Someone just like the Aditi-Jai friendship from ‘Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na’. The only questions are when will I have one and who will she be. Hoping for that day to come soon. (If there’s any girl reading this blog….hello, please get in touch with me asap).