Apply Yourself Unnecessarily

While this is not a latest attempt at learning something that did not come easily and actually quite some years old, I thought this would be worth mentioning as it more ‘memorable’ of some sorts with mixed feelings and not exactly good or bad.

It is something back in the day during when I was in school, and perhaps the first time I realized how fucked up our education is (the realization which kept growing till date and continues to do so). There are several boards of school/high school education common in the country and worldwide, while every state had its own state board, in mine of which I was a part of. Here in

Mumbai

Bombay and in the whole state, we had 3 languages, the first language of course was English, the second language was Marathi being my state’s language while the third was optional to choose from for grades 8-10, where many schools offered different ones like Hindi (the national one), Sanskrit (India’s oldest language and one of the world’s oldest) and French being most popular choices while several other schools in the city/state and other parts of the county offering more like German, etc. I took Sanskrit, primarily because it fetched good marks, and something which I enjoyed as I was familiar with lot of Indian scriptures.

Now here is when the problem(s) started (in this context). I’m from a primarily English speaking family, somewhat manage to speak my mother tongue Tamil and Hindi, both being quite messed up, and there was this new language. I had nothing against (in the beginning atleast) as learning a new language is always fun, growing watching anime, reading manga and being familiar with Japanese culture, there was an interest in Japanese. My uncle is from Germany, so I had interest in German too. And who isn’t interested in (the) French and Spanish?

I had to deal with Marathi, the beginning 2 years grades 5 & 6 I survived somehow but eventually failed in my finals of grade 6, I remember getting some 70% and my performance had dipped from a potential 90 straight just because of that. And when you are a person like me who doesn’t care about these petty things (seriously who cares about school?), and especially when you are from a typical Indian/Asian family (South Indian – Brahmin to make it more worse than it already is) it was seriously hell.

For the first time in my life I had ‘failed’ (again I school context) and it hurt the pride and soul of my civilization (or so it seemed) and for the first time in my life I went for one of the only tuition for Marathi near my home/school in the afternoons after school from grade 7-10.  To me it totally didn’t make sense, why Marathi is mandatory but the national language (still doubts in it) Hindi is an option? I’m not at all racist, but why is there a need for me to

learn

mug-the-shit-up of it? There was clearly no learning in it, which I soon realized prevail till perhaps I’ll graduate now. I can’t say for the rest of the world (completely) but anything attached to the word ‘system’ itself here is completely fucked up. Not even exaggerating slightly.

But coming back to the story here, there was a good side of it too. My tutor Mrs. Prathiba Aunty (as I said earlier in my other post, in school days, female teachers had no last name, either it was ‘mam’ or ‘aunty’ if bit informal as in this case) is a very sweet lady and I still see her once a while as I stay nearby, and almost every year pay a visit to her on her birthday in early February (which is now coming). I also made really good buddies, spent those days hooked on Nintendo, Pokémon, Sonic, Dragonball and countless others. Although seldom to none contact with any of them now, since all have their own lives and I keep forgetting the password of mine, it was not all bad.

And if you are curious, I managed to pass out with a decent 90% (I honestly don’t know how, my genius was never in the books) and leave that crap behind. Well thanks to that, I can understand Marathi, if not read or write properly, is useful as I live here, but not was not necessary at the same time. And my Hindi still sucks.

That was my not-so-really-learning story for this time.

Originally posted on my blog here

If you're an Indian and you think you speak English correctly, think again.

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

These are  Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, the greatest hits of the 11 most hilarious Indianisms out there. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 12 p.m. today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

5. 'Discuss about'

“What shall we discuss about today?”

“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."

That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating. It’s a translation of the vernacular – “ek kaam karo”

There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.

“My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

8. 'Out of station'

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”

“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."

Prepone it is.

11.Heighted / Weighted

Adding ‘ed’ to a word. Trust me, these are not alternatives to Tall / Fat. Beware; the person you are addressing will laugh at you. Your reputation is on the line.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll get better at English.

Till then, kindly adjust ;)